Here and there

I hate what I  do to myself sometimes. I develop this unhealthy crush on a man that I cannot have, and then I turn down all the good guys that I actually could possibly be happy with ... I know I have a lot of issues, you dont have to tell me!
Now with that being said, I miss him. Why? I have no idea, he's such an asshole and he is not even my type.
Ok who am I kidding he is my type, he is exactly my time, but that doesn't change the fact that we will never be together, that this thing I imagined in my head will NEVER happened. I miss home. I haven't been home in so long, I don't even remember how it looks like. It's so sad that I still feel stuck in this limbo between here and there. One thing for sure, there - I wouldn't have men issues like this one, over and over again just like here.

I can't help it tho he makes me smile, he makes me nervous, and I get lost when he touches me .... God give me strength to grow out of this infatuation.

Changes ...

Things change, I change almost all the time.
If you ask me if I imagine my life this way 5 years ago ... I would have to say hell no. I became one of those people were work is everything, my life revolve around it and all I do is sometimes take a break just to realize how much I hate it.
I love Mexico, I love/loved Alejandro since then I look at every men in a different way, my joy to explore people is gone. I don't want a relationship just to have it...I want that love and companionship, trust, spark ...that stupid unconditional, irresponsible love! But I fear since I had it twice in my lifetime that's pretty much it .. well is it?? Will I ever fall in love again?!
I always believed in one true love, so it looks like I was more than lucky to love twice, truly love - I think that's what it was? I mean every time I think about them both .. my heart (still) skips a beat.
I think I'm a little lost with who I am, I thought I knew myself really well but the last few months showed me that even I cannot predict myself haha if that makes any sense :)